Read Time:
Return clarity to the person who needs it to actually change.
It’s worth being direct about what shifting out of an enabling pattern is not.
It isn’t withdrawing care. It isn’t pivoting to a hardline approach because you’ve decided you were too soft before. It isn’t treating the previous months of support as a mistake to be corrected.
What it is, is: redirecting the care. The instinct that led you to protect this person from discomfort is a good instinct, just applied in the wrong direction. Real support isn’t shielding someone from honest feedback, it’s giving them the information they need to make a real choice about their performance and their future on your team.
The harshest thing you can do to someone who has a genuine performance problem is to let them keep going without ever telling them clearly.
One concrete move: Reopen the conversation honestly. The enabling pattern usually means there’s been a long series of soft conversations that didn’t land, or there’s even been no direct conversation at all. Reopening it requires naming that reality.
Something like:
“I want to be honest with you. I don’t think I’ve been as direct with you as I should have been about this, and I don’t think that’s served either of us. I’d like to have a clearer conversation today.”
This framing does something important: It doesn’t ambush the person with a sudden shift in tone that feels like a betrayal. It acknowledges that the dynamic is changing and takes partial ownership of why it wasn’t addressed sooner. And it models the same accountability you’re asking them to meet.
From there, the conversation needs to be specific: what the pattern is, what the expectation is, what the timeline for change looks like, and what the consequences are if the pattern continues. Not harsh. Clear.
The Distinction that Holds This Together
The difference between enabling and honest support is where clarity lives. Enabling keeps clarity with the leader: You know the problem, but the other person doesn’t have the full picture. Honest support returns that clarity to the person who needs it to actually change.
They may not thank you. But they can’t improve without it.
Pause & Reflect
Draft the opening sentence of the conversation you’ve been avoiding. Just one sentence—how it starts, in your own words. Then ask yourself: is there anything in that sentence that softens the message so much it disappears?
Bring your draft opening to Sophia before you have the conversation. Try: “Here’s how I’m planning to open a difficult performance conversation I’ve been avoiding. Help me stress-test it. Is the message clear, or am I softening it in ways that will let the person off the hook again?”
You can also use the accountability course in the Advanced Supervision Certificate program to help you draft your conversation. The next cohort starts September 28.